Family and Money: Family is the Worst Investment
I’m sure you’ve heard about Carlos Yulo’s family drama being aired out in public. It’s embarrassing, and I feel sorry for Carlos Yulo for having a terrible mother like that. What’s more terrible is that he is being painted as an ingrate instead of being a child wronged by his family. The issue is now overshadowing his achievements in the Paris Olympics, where he nabbed two gold medals. I’m not here to gossip, but this is proof that, like any other relationship, money drives a wedge between people.
It’s not the money’s fault; everyone seems to blame money as the root of all evil. It’s like blaming the gun — it doesn’t shoot people by itself.
Toxic Family Culture
Just like in any Asian culture, familial duties are held in high regard. In Filipino culture, family is seen as the strongest unit, rooted in religious belief and tradition. If you dive into Filipino society, there are a lot of traits, cultures, and beliefs that are placed on family.
- “Pakikisama” (adjusting to fit in no matter what kind of monster your in-laws are)
- “Utang na loob” (debt of gratitude or pay back the kindness given to you)
- “Respeto” (respect, especially for elders)
- “Bayanihan” (community spirit)
Ironically, while these are seen as good traits of being family-oriented, they often produce byproducts of toxicity and misplaced priorities, creating generational trauma.
Fighting Back
People my age and younger are now fighting back against the status quo, parroting internet quotes like “children are not investments,” “children are not retirement plans,” “sandwich generation,” and “not because you’re old, we do as we are told.” Of course, elders are naturally sensitive yet often insensitive at the same time, with their blood pressure spiking when questioned. We were taught not to talk back to elders because they are the pedestal of wisdom. But now we see that people in power, whether in larger society like the government or in the smallest parent-child relationships, tend to abuse it.
Family Users
I believe people who grew up in larger families tend to experience this more. Whenever a family member is doing financially better than the others, they are expected to share the load — paying for groceries, bills, fees, and sometimes even shouldering an extended family member’s expenses.
We’ve all heard stories of parents using their kids as guarantors for loans, younger siblings manipulating elder siblings for money, or even stealing from each other.
Personal Experiences
I live in a large, complex blended family because of my parents’ previous marriages. Money has been one of the main causes of family fights. Luckily, our parents taught us boundaries, and I learned that you really cannot trust family with money. Sometimes even with your own children — although they are your responsibility and what you own, they own it too — the worst investment really is children. I’ve seen it happen with one of my siblings, who entrusted a whole bank account, house, and business to our elder sister. Because of a bad marriage and poor management, we saw it all go down during Typhoon Ondoy in 2009. My elder sister became a lesson that even marriage is a financial investment.
Boundaries
We hear a lot about boundaries, and while it may seem cold even in the most intimate or close relationships, boundaries are relationship savers. Putting a wall around you and a door is not bad. This strengthens relationships.
Carlos Yulo trusted his parents with his money, and it’s not his fault; he thought his mother was more responsible. But he didn’t expect her to empty his bank account to cure her decades of deprivation.
1. DO NOT EVER GIVE YOUR ENTIRE BANK ACCOUNT TO ONE PERSON
It doesn’t matter if it’s your spouse, parents, or your guardian angel. Have your own. There are a lot of nightmares that come with it when you entrust all of your money to one person. Maintaining financial independence is crucial. Keeping your own separate account protects you from potential mismanagement or disputes and ensures you have control over your finances, giving you a safety net if things go wrong.
2. GET A LAWYER
Getting a lawyer and creating a contract or attorney de facto can help delineate boundaries. Create an agreement in writing and have it notarized. Engaging a lawyer helps ensure that your financial and personal agreements are legally binding, clearly outlining responsibilities and protecting your interests. This minimizes the risk of disputes and misunderstandings.
3. TALK TO MY FAMILY
Although you trust your family, building a boundary still protects you from the unexpected. Carlos should have communicated with his parents about financial matters to create a clear boundary of trust. But I get it, he was young and vulnerable. Surely, this is a lesson for him.
4. INVEST OR HAVE A BUSINESS
Instead of his mother spending it on those gaudy outfits and Yeezy shoes, Mr. Yulo should have set aside capital to start a business to keep his mom busy, instead of airing out their dirty laundry on social media for her “kumares” to gossip about like a gang of birds.
5. FINANCIAL ADVISOR
And that’s why you should invest in Sunl — just kidding. Lol. I mean a real financial advisor, not just someone selling insurance. They can help you diversify your money and give general advice on what to do. Consulting a certified financial advisor provides expert guidance on managing and growing your money. They help you diversify investments, plan for future goals, and make informed financial decisions.
I don’t care if it’s my own mother; I’d sue her if her mouth starts running about me and my partner.
BUT I HAVE NO P20 MILLION PESOS OR TWO GOLD MEDALS FOR THE MATTER
…As an Asian elder sister, this is what I do.
- I never let them forget how hard it is to earn money. Lol. I know that’s borderline toxic, but I want them to remember it every time they’re tempted to waste their allowances on cigarettes, alcohol, or questionable relationships. I think they can see (how I exaggerate it, too) the things I have to endure to earn a single peso.
- My siblings have their own ATM accounts. I wire the money to them on a monthly basis, and if they spend it all before the monthly cycle, that’s on them.
- Death is inevitable. I inherited small properties and small businesses from my parents and have investments of my own and assets too. I have a paranoia that I might die because I’ve had near-death experiences. In 2021, I thought I was going to die. So the first thing I did after getting better was buy a death plan and cemetery plot. I don’t want them to shoulder the expenses of burying me because they are too young. I was as young as them when I lost my parents too, and although I did not shoulder it financially, they did not have a death plan. Picking out a coffin, headstones, and the entire funeral plan was too much for that age. I also got them insurance and had my friend, an insurance seller, educate them on it. Regarding the assets and properties, I’ve already told them what they will have. I’ve seen too many times how siblings quarrel over the division of assets. It’s better to settle that now.
- Name it on them earlier. Yeah, I know I said that earlier, but it’s better they have it now that they are single and young. When they turned legal age, I named it to them immediately. Here’s the thing from personal experience: there’s a law in the Philippines, specifically the Family Code of the Philippines (Executive Order №209), which stipulates that conjugal property rights extend to spouses and their families. This means that even if the property is inherited, a spouse can have a claim to it. This can become toxic because not all families are the same (thanks, Tolstoy). This happened to my sister. My parents gave her a property, but the title had her name with a mention of the husband. Even in annulment, it cannot be removed, and now the property won’t go anywhere without the spouse’s approval. For example, if one of my siblings gets married to someone who is deadbeat or otherwise unsuitable, their spouse will have a right to the conjugal property, even if it is an inheritance. Naming it on them while they are single does not guarantee that the property will be theirs.
- Education is their investment. They are now college-age, and I’m serious about education. Whatever they want to do with their lives, I am fine with it, but their education is extremely important.
- Fun funds. I have dedicated a savings account for my siblings. It’s not all about being cold; my siblings are kids too and they deserve vacations, shopping trips, holiday and birthday gifts, expensive restaurants, and a bit of spoiling. Their happiness is an investment too.
